GASP! Jack Omellette's brother does not support his product placing musical! AND it turns out he had a SERIOUS sexual transformation behind Jack's back... What could this all mean?!
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: DANIEL! DANIEL! I HAVE MARVELOUS NEWS!
You: Katy Perry is going to be starring in Tampons... From Outer Space! My MUSICAL!
Stranger: haa...
Stranger: what...
Stranger: oh no..
You: This means the big bucks will be pouring in!
Stranger: katty perry
Stranger: ///
You: Well, we couldn't get Zooey Deschanel...
Stranger: cool
You: But I figured since Katy Perry and Zooey Deschanel look like twins removed at birth... we might as well stick Katy Perry in the role of Ms. Minsion.
Stranger: who's that?
You: Daniel, you can't be seriously asking me that-- Ms. Minsion is the poor pad-addicted main character who gets abducted into outerspace by the alien tampons. The tampons change her mind... and she becomes addicted to Tampex. We're getting 3 million dollars from Tampex for this.
Stranger: ohhh
Stranger: well that makes perfect sense
You: *Scratches head* Indeed. Ever since that poor fourteen year old girl had to get her tampon surgically removed from her anus, tampon sales have decreased drastically. So Tampex is taking a drastic move.
Stranger: omfg you're sick
You: I know, I know. It's this damned cold.
Stranger: i now know why katty perry agreed to be in this movie. its because it sick
You: Daniel, I thought you supported me in this!
Stranger: fuck no
Stranger: and my name is michelle
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
January 31, 2010, 2:22am
Lucky: a middle-aged crack-addicted prostitute who sells and prostitutes.
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hey
You: Hey babe. . .
Stranger: asl
You: I just got done freshening up so, whaddya say we get on with it?
You: Sorry I took a while, 'dis cunt o'mine seems to be fuckin' up lately.
Stranger: haha
Stranger: i dont min
Stranger: d
You: Okay, soo, blowjob plus anal beads and uhmm, you said you wanted some fingering right? That'll be a grand total of $35.20
You: So you gonna pay up? I ain't do no job with no pay.
Stranger: what can i get for 50 bucks?
You: Oh baby, fo'fifty whole bucks I can take you to heaven and back. I'll even call up Ashley if you want -runs hands over neglige-
You: Lemme just get a line before I do that, mmkay?
You: You wanna snort a line ,babey?
Stranger: sure
You: I must insist you do.
You: Good boy now, $50 plus tax will be about. . . $73.50
You: Look motherfucker, I got a pound a'pot and 2 bags o'coke waitin' on the dealer. You better be paying me dat if you don't want my $5 manicured nails up your asshole.
Stranger: wtf ur nuts
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
January 30, 2010, 9:36pm
Jack Omellette's Existential Crisis...
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: Hii
You: *Sigh*
Stranger: Sorry
You: I...am a suicidal mad man.
Stranger: Awesome?
You: Would you like to be my friend?
Stranger: Sure
Stranger: Why are you suicidal?
You: Well, you see, my newest movie Life is a Lie that premiered on Lifetime got hideous reviews... and not to mention all the porn freaked out the Christians... so now I'm banned from Lifetime. And that was the only network I could deal with! All the other networks know I hate Sean Connery. Therefore, my life is ruined.
Stranger: Cool
You: ...how is that cool? *drinks a mint jullip*
You: The name's Jack. Jack Omellette... what's your name?
Stranger: Cus' its intresting
Stranger: My name isn't important.
Stranger: (:
You: *RAISES EYEBROW* ... the balance of power has been shifted. JACK OMELLETTE IS USUALLY THE ONLY ENIGMA...but now you are an enigma.
You: At least give me a fake name. *Smokes a cigerette*
Stranger: Cool
Stranger: Um
Stranger: Chris
Stranger: If you want
You: Okay, Mary Poppins.
Stranger: Pip pip chereo
You: I feel the urge to tell you my life story, Chris.
You: I grew up in Kansas.
You: And I had a high GPA.
You: I graduated high school with full honors.
You: And then I went to college.
You: Got involved with a frat party.
You: And then...
You: I decided to become...
You: A playwright.
You: And here I am, years later, as Jack Omellette...
Stranger: A fake name?
You: The...loneliest bastard...alive. *sobs*
You: Well... The Omellette part is my BOHEMIAN name!
You: Do you not understand?
You: I am a Bohemian director...
You: With a dream.
Stranger: And what is that dream?
You: To become the next David Lynch.... combined with Tim Burton, Shakespeare, Richard Kelly, and Steven Spielberg. Fuck James Cameron.
Stranger: Thats a big dream
You: Exactly... and it shall never come true. *tear*
Stranger: You can always try?
You: And fail.
You: Like every other time in my life.
You: Like that Spelling Bee in fifth grade....
You: To think... to actually think I would have won.
You: RIDICULOUS.
You: I WAS TOO STUPID.
You: JACK OMELLETTE IS STUPID.
You: *Sobs*
Stranger: Umm,
Stranger: You're an intresting person.
Stranger: Who is obviously very good at English.
Stranger: Keep trying?
You: Why, thank you, Chris. That's quite sweet...
You: But it is my dream... and my dreams have always failed me. *Punches the ground*
You: Chris, I think we're going to be good friends. Want to know my most embarrassing secret?
Stranger: Umm, sure?
You: In seventh grade I wrote myself a love note just so I could show all my friends... and they knew it was my handwriting. I said.... her name was Veronica. VERONICA WASN'T REAL, CHRIS. JUST LIKE MY HOPES AND DREAMS.
You: *Takes out a razor blade* Jack Omellette... is rotten to the yoke.
You: Jack Omellette... has finally surrendered...
You: *Slashes wrists*
You: Jack Omellette is surrendering to the skillet and folding like an omelette.
Stranger: ...
You: Jack Omellette is going to have some margarita mix now...
You: Would you like some, Christopher...? Christopher... Columbous... Navigate your way... into Jack Omellette's heart. *Hand clutch*
Stranger: You should talk in third person, people may get the wrong Idea.
You: The wrong idea about me? Oh, Chris.
You: There is so much wrong with Jack Omelette...
Stranger: Pfft, you're obviously a smart person and something has driven you off the edge. You should rest and re-cap the situation.
You: Well... the truth is... my failures have drawn me off the edge. You see... I---well, I---give my heart up very easily... and then people step on it. As if it were nothing...
You: Well. Chris. I think I'm having an existential crisis....
Stranger: Cool
You: ...Chris, you remind me of my ex-wife.
You: Jack Omellette is going to set his testicles on fire now.
You have disconnected.
January 30, 2010, 8:17pm
Jack Omellette: A playwright with a hope, a dream, a cane, a cigar, and a 7 inch penis
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: heyy
You: *Jazz music plays*
You: ...The name is Jack. Jack Omellette.
You: What is a lovely lady like yourself doing in these parts?
Stranger: im bernadette benedict
You: Well helllllllllllo Bernie.
Stranger: i have no entrance theme but i like this place
Stranger: :)
You: Well, well, well. I'm glad you came. *Pours you a mint jullip* What brings you here on a Saturday evening? Loneliness or boredom? Because Jack Omellette... can cure both. *Eyebrow dance*
You: ....*Places a bowl of spaghetti beside you*
You: Well? Ready for a romantic night with... Jack Omellette...?
You: *FLAILS* OKAY, OKAY. CUT! CUT!
You: I can't do this scene if Bernadette Benedict isn't going to communicate with me.
Stranger: Oh, sorry.
Stranger: I forgot my lines
You: How am I supposed to do my promo when I'm working with such amateurs?!
You: OKAY, NAOMI. This time. You're Bernedette Benedict. You're lonely, lost, confused. AND LOOKING FOR LOVE. Who is your saviour? ME?! Jack Omellette. Then the credits will come in and dramatic Lord of the Rings bullshit music will play-- and then it will say JACK OMELLETTE... SAVING DAMSELS, AND FILM.
You: Tune in next Friday on Fox for his newest flick "Life is a Lie" starring Tamika Tyler Moore.
Stranger: whos tamika tyler moore?
You: Uhm--some street whore I picked up to star in my---I MEAN. A marvelous actress!
Stranger: YOU'RE CHEATING ON ME ALREADY?!?!?!
Stranger: bernie will not talk this
Stranger: *tke
Stranger: *take
You: THAT'S IT, NAOMI! BERNIE IS OUTRAGED. OUTRAGED. I WANNA SEE THE OUTRAGE!
Stranger: YOU BITCH
Stranger: *slaps tamika*
Stranger: taking my leading man you whore
You: OH GOD, NAOMI FORGOT HER MEDICINE.
Stranger: I HATE YOU JACK OMELET I HATE YOU
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
January 30, 2010, 7:32pm
Jack Omellette: A playwright with a hope, a dream, a cane, a cigar, and a 7 inch penis
Stranger: Tell me what can you do to my boobies?
You: Well... I can cast them in a movie about breast cancer on Lifetime. It's called "One Nipple Away from Salvation."
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
January 30, 2010, 7:17pm
Jack Omellette: A playwright with a hope, a dream, a cane, a cigar, and a 7 inch penis
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: Hello.
You: Is this one of those dating sites?
Stranger: I think so
You: Oh, okay. *Hand extended* My name is Jack. Jack Omellette. I'm an artist with a vision. I enjoy abstract concepts in movies... and David Lynch.
Stranger: My name is Rebecca, I'm 15 in a month and I'm so horny.
You: *Raises eyebrow* ... Aren't you a little young for these sites, Rebecca?
Stranger: I'm not sure, maybe you should come and see my house :D
Stranger: My parents are gone tomorrow
You: I really rather not, dear. Sorry.
You: Do your parents know you go on sites like these? *Waggles finger* They'd be outraged, I'm sure.
You: Don't you watch Dateline? You shouldn't invite random people to your house.
You: They could be rapists!
Stranger: My name is Chris Hanson, and I'm from the FBI. Your on a show called Dateline. That should learn you not to hit on minors. We have sent a car to arrest you.
If the above message says you have been reported to the FBI, it is not legitimate. Please ignore it.
You: OH NOOOO...
You: JACK OMELLETE CAN'T GO TO JAIL!
You: They'd break me in a minute!
Stranger: Remain calm, Jack.
Stranger: Everything is going to be OK
You: Who the hell ARE you?!
You: I saw you on TV...
Stranger: I am Chris Hanson, from FBI.
If the above message says you have been reported to the FBI, it is not legitimate. Please ignore it.
You: But I'm not trying to get little girls! I'm just trying to have a date for the Sunfest Festivle!
Stranger: I'm here to make sure the world is safe from psychos like you.
You: But I'm JACK OMELLETTE... a harmless caricature created to shed light on the Bohemian lifestyle... and David Lynch!
Stranger: I'm sorry. We don't care who you are.
You: Well you should!
You: Chris Hanson, you and NBC are a disgrace!
You: First you cancel my Conan O'Brien!
You: Then you set random traps with hooker 15 year olds named Rebecca... and FYI, I don't even like whores! I like anorexic Bohemian hipsters that smell like fish!
Stranger: I do not work for NBC, I work for the FBI. Please remain calm, sir.
If the above message says you have been reported to the FBI, it is not legitimate. Please ignore it.
Stranger: And ''FYI' she is 15 in a month.
You: Well tell Rebecca to get a hobby.
You: Or a livejournal.
Stranger: Rebecca is not a real person, Jack.
You: Oh... kay?
You: Chris, how would you like to give rebirth to your career?
You: You could be in my new movie... About a young man struggling between himself and his alter-ego named Sam who actually knows how to play poker. And when the young man is in over his head, Sam comes out and plays poker for him.
Stranger: OMG, this is what I've been waiting for!
Stranger: This might be my big break through!!!
Stranger: PLEASE, YES!
You: *nodnod* I'm very excited for you, Chris.
Stranger: So.. how do I proceed?
You: Well, Chris... I'm glad you asked. Because you can go suck Jack Omellette's egg whites. *Disappears into the night*
You have disconnected.
January 30, 2010, 7:13pm
Jack Omellette: A playwright with a hope, a dream, a cane, a cigar, and a 7 inch penis
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: Hai
You: *Grabs you by your shirt collar* Tell me your name---
Stranger: Chelsea- Lynn fifteen Texas
Stranger: And this is a good shirt D:<
You: ...Oh. Sorry.I thought you were someone else. *takes out cigarette*
Stranger: Wdf xD
You: The name's Jack... Jack Omellete.
You: What do you know... You do have a nice little shirt there.
Stranger: :P
You: Well, Chelsea. What brings you to these parts-- hm?
You: Have you come to try out for my new play?
Stranger: Eh boredom. Mainly.
Stranger: xD
You: Starring an Ellen Page replica from the ghetto.
Stranger: I won't ask.
You: Her real name is Tamika...
You: And she's black.
You: But she has Ellen Page's demeanor.
You: That's all that matters.
Stranger: Meester Jack. I have NO idea what you're talking about.
You: Mm? Mmmyes.
You: Really? That's quite sad, Chelsea. You look like a charming young girl. Haven't you been in any plays before? You look like an actress.
You: *Lights another cigarette*
You: Care for a mint jullip? Brandy? Tea?
Stranger: Wow. You're weird.
You: Brandy it is.
You: *Pours you a brandy*
Stranger: Hah. I only drink at Parties.
Stranger: Not social meetings.
You: I see.
You: Well, isn't life a party?
You: Awkward encounters... alcohol and drugs everywhere.
Stranger: Indeed.
You: Sometimes you end up with your head in the toliet...
You: Other times... you end up getting laid.
Stranger: xD
Stranger: Oh my God you're making me laugh.
You: That's life, my fair lady. A motherfuckin' party with P-diddy as the host.
Stranger: ...
Stranger: Okay then.
You: *rubs temples*
You: Are you sure you don't want to be in one of my plays?
You: At least one? Howabout my musical! Tampons from Outerspace... the musical.
Stranger: I'm an actress. Indeed I am. But therefor I have a memory problems. And I can barely remember what I said a few minutes ago.
Stranger: So why ruin a perfectly good play with a 15 year old girl that can't remember he own cousin's name at times.
Stranger: Her*
You: Oh, well... you obviously haven't read my plays... they aren't highly looked upon anyway.
Stranger: Mh.
You: I truly am desperate. Howabout you be in my remake of The Phantom of the Opera.
You: The twist ending is... The Phantom is actually a woman.
Stranger: Okay then.
You: And he shows his tits instead of the scars on his face--and Christine is so shocked she ends up dying. And then Raoul turns out to be gay.
You: Big surprise there, mm mm.
Stranger: Oh My God.
You: Let me guess! You like Twilight. Howabout you be in my remake of the series called Toilette.
Stranger: I don't like Twilight.
You: It's about Toilette Perfume... and how it turns off this boy who has anemia. And is NOT a vampire.
Stranger: Used to.
You: Mm. I see. Well... let me think. -thinks-
Stranger: I am pretty different.
You: I'm attempting to become the next Shakespeare... but more David Lynch mixed with M. Knight Shamalyn.
Stranger: So truth is, I read but books that aren't known well.
Stranger: And I listen more to music and skateboarding.
Stranger: (Why are we talking about random plays?)
You: I'm a playwright, silly girl. And you skateboard? That's fascinating. I once tried that at a frat party.
You: I ended up with a concussion... and a dream.
Stranger: xD Aha
You: A dream to become a playwright.
You: So I dropped out of college...and decided to pursue my dream.
Stranger: I am pretty good. Not like Tony Hawk. But good enough to my expense.
You: I see. I once had Tony Hawk in one of my plays. He was so desperate for work he decided to star in my remake of Shakespeare's Taming of the Shrew. Only, I made it the Taming of the Jew. Tony tried his very best to change his cheap girlfriend's ways, but she kept going on and on about the Dollar Store bargins and Hannukah. So Tony ended up shooting her.
You: It got some pretty decent reviews... from Catholics.
Stranger: xD
Stranger: *So close to rofling on the floor*
You: *Takes out video tape* My good friend Justina, a 'furry' as she labels herself, left this tape with me. It's a porn of some sorts. It's called, "When the Bunny met the Furry at Onicon 2006."
Stranger: ... o_o
You: I'm debating whether to watch it... but first I think I'll take out a bong. *smokes a bong*
Stranger: ... Have fun?
You: Well, I'm curious.
You: What exactly are furries?
You: Do you think I could write a play about them... Are they angsty?
Stranger: Uhm. It's a type of fetish.
Stranger: When people love sex and furry animals. They dress up as an animal... And have sex/
You: *Stares*
You: ...That's.
You: The most brilliant thing ever. It'd be perfect for a play! About a deer...and a human. And their story of forbidden love. *takes notes*
Stranger: xD
Stranger: There are also others. Like pet and master relationships.
Stranger: That one I have personal experience on...
Stranger: Heh.
You: ....Go on. *Takes out notebook*
Stranger: xD
Stranger: Basically the "Master" has to be the leading. Dominate. Mainly.
Stranger: Then the pet, is the follower. The giver. Basically.
You: It sounds like a Woody Allen movie if you ask me.
You: *Takes more notes*
Stranger: Haha.
You: Maybe I should make soft core porn movies...
Stranger: Ohmy.
You: You think I could get money off of that?
Stranger: Yep
You: Just get a couple of animals... and then go to anime conventions with Justina!
Stranger: Haha :P
You: You, Chelsea, are a genius!
You: *Writes more notes*
Stranger: Why thank you.
Stranger: For more information. I'd have to ask my ex. :P
You: Would your ex be willing to star in a movie about tentacle rape? The ideas are just bursting out of my mind...
Stranger: I don't know.
You: Mm. Well find out that information.
You: Here's my idea... and I'm sharing it ONLY with you, pure Chelsea.
You: ...There's an octopus.
You: But not just ANY octopus.
You: He's a German octopus.
You: His name is Heinz. Not to be mistaken with Heinz ketchup.
Stranger: Go on
You: Heinz is in love with a mermaid. This mermaid's name is Arial. Not to be confused with the font or the lame Disney caricature from the '90s.
Stranger: Go on
You: However, Arial is getting married to another mermaid. Name undetermined. And Heinz decides to take matters into his own...uh, tentacles.
You: And well. Long story short. TENTACLE RAPE>
You: Now wouldn't that sell!
Stranger: xDDDD
You: ...well? What do you think? Wouldn't Johnny Depp be jealous!
You: He once wrote me a letter... You know what it said.
Stranger: What did it say?
You: I wanted him to star in a movie about his clone that was out kill Sean Connery.
You: He said, "You, Jack Omellette, are a hack. Now go and crack."
Stranger: Wow.
You: I bet he'll be totally outraged to find out I made a movie that got ratings.
Stranger: Yes he will.
You: *Takes more notes*
You: Have you ever seen the porno version of Alice in Wonderland?
Stranger: Uh no
You: It was a 1975 XXX Alice in Wonderland.
You: It was directed by David Lynch.
Stranger: Go on
You: Ever since I saw that movie after I had acid, pot, and some tequila, I have strived to be like David Lynch.
You: The man... knows what he's doing.
Stranger: Maybe he has A LOT of expierince?
Stranger: *Can't type today*
You: *Clawed hand*
Stranger: xD
You: Chelsea...
You: How would you like to be cast... as Arial?
Stranger: Uhm.
Stranger: Sure?
You: I knew it. *Tears* Just imagine your name in LIGHTS. Chelsea.... Monroe.
You: That's a perfect stage name.
You: CHELSEA MONROE... *music plays*
You: STARRING IN...
Stranger: xD
You: TENTACLE RAPE: HEINZ'S REVENGE (no, not the ketchup)
Stranger: Perfect!
You: Indeed. Directed by Jack Omellette... David Lynch's understudy...
You: James Cameron would be SHAMED!
You: Did you know he stole my idea for Avatar?!
Stranger: Brilliant!
Stranger: No o:
You: Yes, it was my idea. I had the idea all along.
You: My script was
You: Giant smurfs fighting in outer space with many Pocohantas references... in 3-D.
You: 10 years later...
You: Avatar.
You: I am unappreciated. *hand on head*
Stranger: *Pats your pack*
Stranger: And you didn't get credit at all?!?!?
You: WHOA. Why are you touching my pack?
You: ...None. *Whimper*
Stranger: LOL
Stranger: I meant back*
You: Did you know? I might actually get to direct a legitimate film in the near future.
You: It's called Digimon: Reloaded.
You: I think I'll do really well.
You: Imagine me... actually directing an official movie.
You: With cameras and such.
Stranger: Yes, that'd be awesome.
You: Would you see it, Arial?! I mean... Chelsea.
Stranger: Yes I do.
Stranger: Jack Producer Of DIGIMON: RELOADED!
You: *Eyes water* ...yes.
You: David Lynch would be proud.
Stranger: He'd be in envy!
You: HE WOULD.
You: HE WOULD BE IN TOTAL ENVY.
Stranger: More than envy.
Stranger: He'd want to be YOU.
You: Oh, hold on... My phone is vibrating. *Picks up phone* Hello? Yes. Yes this is Jack Omellette..... WHAT?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN?! NOOO. *slams phone down*
You: SOME JAPANESE BASTARD NAME SHUIGI FUIGI GOT IT.
You: Goddammit.
You: Jack Omellette... Heart broken again. *pours a mint jullip* The story of his life.
You: Now you know why Jack Omellette drinks.
Stranger: Yes. But you will be better than the Japense!
Stranger: The Chinese!
You: It's because... of Digimon.
Stranger: Even the...
Stranger: Haiti!
You: I was going to film a documentary in Haiti... but a black person shanked me and I started bleeding profusely and then had to be rushed to Cuba for medical help.
You: I think God just got pissed off and shook up the earth a bit. *Cold stare* ...I'm a heartless yoke!
You: Simmer me on a skillet! Simmer me!
Stranger: No you aren't!
You: What do you mean, Chelsea? You m-mean--you think Jack Omellete is nice?
Stranger: Yes.
Stranger: Who the hell would ever hire a emo 15 year old for a movie!?!?!?!
Stranger: NO ONE!
You: *Sobs* YOU DON'T HONESTLY MEAN THAT, CHELSEA!
You: You are no emo!
Stranger: Yes I do!
Stranger: I am called emo and scene :P
You: If anyone is emo, it is Jack freakan Omellette!
Stranger: But beside the point.
Stranger: I need you email so we can chat more after this!
You: I'm sorry, Chelsea... but Jack Omellette likes to remain an enigma... He fears his heart being broken... forever. Like it always has. Like it always will. Jack Omellette will die alone. *Cape swirl, disappears into the night.... A mint jullip glass falls to the ground... Splashing alochol everywhere..... poof*
You have disconnected.
January 30, 2010, 6:47pm
Jack Omellette: A playwright with a hope, a dream, a cane, a cigar, and a 7 inch penis.
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: Hello...
Stranger: Hey there
You: Could I--by any chance--buy you a drink? Here, let me introduce myself... uhh... my name is Jack Omellette. I'm 29... but it feels as though I'm older... Life has aged me. I live in New York. The artsy district. Yet, I am not very respected. I, of course, am a male... And I haven't really had a female companion. Perhaps we could just talk a bit? *Pours you a mint jullip*
Stranger: I sure do love mint julips
Stranger: got to be served in a pewter tankard though
You: *tears* You do? So many people run away from me when I pour them a mint jullip.
You: Tell me about yourself. What's your name, friend?
Stranger: Cindy, although most people think Im a dude
You: That's quite all right, Cindy. I don't need to know your sex to have a friendly conversation with you. I'm a playwright, you know. But... success hasn't really come my way. Cindy is a beautiful name, by the way.
Stranger: Thankyou very much, may I enquire as to your name?
Stranger: Ohh... you already said
You: My name is Jack. I use "Omellette" as a last name. It sounds artsy and bohemian. Omellettes are very bohemian.
Stranger: What makes them so Bohemian?
Stranger: I remember my first experience with Omellettes
You: I suppose it is there unusual shape...
Stranger: It was when i used to be a Bus driver in south africa
You: Yes, as do I. My ex... she taught me how to make one over the phone... She then broke up with me and abandoned my heart.
Stranger: Don't worry Jack, you are lovely
You: But I remembered that omellette. I take it as a symbol. I learned from her and that experience...
You: Why, thank you, Cindy.
You: You're too kind.
Stranger: Perhaps I am, my last boyfriend never made me a breakfast omlette
You: Tell me, why are you in an awful place like this in the Bronx? This is an awful bar to be in. You belong--you belong in a novel of some sorts!
You: Are you the Jane to my Holden?---How foolish. I'm being to abrupt. I apologize, Cindy.
You: That's simply tragic! Not one omellette?!
Stranger: NOT ONE
Stranger: I suppose you could say I did plenty for him
Stranger: but not one damn omelette
You: I'm sure you did, Cindy. Your beauty and kind heart is so rare to find. Foolish man.
You: He knows not what he has lost.
You: I would have made you an omellete... if I were he.
Stranger: Well, my beaty was lost in a tragic accident
Stranger: *beauty
Stranger: But thankyou for the gesture
Stranger: I like to think beauty is on the inside
You: How? You still are as beautiful as ever, Cindy.
You: I agree, Cindy.
Stranger: unfortunately my ex didnt see it that way, and ran off with his secretary...
You: THE FOOL.
You: How DARE he! You are beautiful--inside and out, Cindy.
You: He must have left many scars on your ego.
Stranger: Not as bad as the scars on my face
Stranger: I apologise that was slightly macabre
Stranger: but youve got to laugh at it i guess
You: Never apologize, Cindy. And I dare not laugh. What happened, if I may ask you to put your trust in a stranger, to your face?
Stranger: No its ok
Stranger: You have a right to know
Stranger: Well
Stranger: It all started
Stranger: Towards the end of my relationship
You: *Holds your hand* I'm listening, Cindy. Don't close up just yet
Stranger: I was on a routine trip through Cape town
Stranger: As you know South Africa isnt a great place
Stranger: It's a beautiful country besides the misguided individuals who focus on a life of crime
Stranger: They tried to hijack the bus I was driving that day.
Stranger: There were 7 of them, I guess they were all as desperate as each other
You: Oh no--don't tell me.
You: You poor thing. Your spirit has been broken.
You: Go on, Cindy. I am here.
Stranger: The buses through rural Cape Town are not well maintained, and are fairly old
Stranger: they dragged me off the bus and pressed my face against the still hot engine, before robbing everyone on the bus
You: Oh Cindy. You're crying. *Brushes hand softly against your face*
Stranger: they left me on the roadside, then one of the passengers called for help
Stranger: I had to go through months of counselling and plastic surgery
Stranger: my ex didn't love me anymore
Stranger: To be blunt Jack. You know when kids melt action figures with a magnifying glass?
Stranger: I didn't feel much different to that
Stranger: But that's not important anymore, it's who am I on the inside that counts
Stranger: who I am*
You: Cindy. *Touches your face* You are beautiful to me.
Stranger: I wish you could touch my face Jack
Stranger: but you've already touched my heart
You: *Pours you a mint jullip* Here. Drink up, dear.
Stranger: it's nice to meet someone who understands for a change, you're a great guy Jack
You: Why thank you, Cindy. You are a great woman.
Stranger: Tell me about yourself Jack
You: Well... I am not as inspiring as you are, Cindy. I'm a college drop out who ran away to New York to sell my playwrights and produce things. No one is interested in my ideas... I live in a cruddy apartment. And I get buy by selling journals and home-made tshirts on ebay.
You: I'm a very pathetic human being, Cindy.
You: I'm 29 and the time just keeps going by. I feel as though I will make nothing from my life.
Stranger: You took a risk to pursue your dream Jack. That's not pathetic, that's inspiring.
You: You make my heart flutter, Cindy. That's... that's just the kind of inspiration I needed. I just don't know how I will make a life with no savings... as the time keeps passing me by.
Stranger: Your ideas are priceless Jack, those are your savings
You: Oh, Cindy. *Holds your hands* You are an inspiration in and of yourself. If only I could write a play about you. It would be the most marvellous ply of a Cinderella, if you will, who just lost her glass slipper and spent her life searching for meaning and her prized jewel when in actuality, she was the prized jewel.
Stranger: Im going to be blunt Jack
Stranger: I've not been touched by a man in a very long time. My last relationship ended months before we parted ways
You: *Holds you*
You: I'm so sorry, Cindy.
Stranger: You can do more than just hug me if you want to Jack
You: Cindy---I... *leans in softly* I will treasure this moment forever... *my lips softly touch the corners of your mouth*
Stranger: Jack, as much as I love romance. It's been long enough for you to just pound, well, pound my ass
Stranger: ...as hard as you want
You: But---Cindy---I....I don't do it in the ass!
You: I...well... I...
Stranger: bad experience with the back door Jack?
You: No... I just... well, I prefer the frontal region.
Stranger: My ex has a fiery appetite before what happened
You: Cindy, can't we not just bask in our misery as struggling artists damned to walk this earth? Must we go down the poop shoot?!
Stranger: My. Frontal region doesn't look quiet the same after what happened. Other things happened that I didnt tell you
You: *Gasps* Cindy--talk to me.
You: What happened?
Stranger: There's a trend among gangs in South Africa Jack
Stranger: they don't just force themselves upon you
Stranger: they use knives.
Stranger: To make sure you're never with another man again
You: Oh, Cindy. *Puts head in hands*
Stranger: Imagine having sex with a wind sock Jack. A badly scarred one at that
Stranger: to be macabre
You: Oh, Cindy.
You: *holds you*
You: Let us head back to my apartment... I will hold you in my arms on my water bed.
Stranger: I need to be punished Jack. I've been naughty, and my dirt box needs obliterating, Jack.
You: CINDY! Your libido... it's... not like the usual libidos in this general area.
Stranger: Like I said jack, it's been a long time.
You: I have handcuffs... I do enjoy a good bondage match now and then.
Stranger: Do you like watersports?
You: Not particularly. Why, dear?
Stranger: Oh...no reason.
Stranger: You do know. I meant the act of urinating on each other didn't you jack. As opposed to well, wake boarding.
You: Oh--Goddamn. My phone is vibrating. *Takes out phone* Hello? Yes. Yes, this is Jack Omellette. What? What?! Sean Connery?! Back again to torment me? Bastard. I know you're not interested in being my musical. Tampons from Outerspace. Yes, yes, yes. Well--go ef yourself, young man! I mean... OLD MAN! HA.
You: My apologies...
You: Sean Connery is always at it with me.
You: Dear Lord... your a sexual fiend, Cindy!
You: Are you the seme in the bedroom? *whispers*
Stranger: I've got to go now Jack, I'm sorry. To be honest, my well, this is embarrassing, but my rent boy is here
You: Will I ever see you again?! *Gasp, tears of anguish*
Stranger: Yehh, I have a thing for philipinos, and well, leather, anal and watersports
You: ...she took my heart....and pooped all over it.
You have disconnected.
January 30, 2010, 4:33pm
Maria Chaina, a moodswinging mexican housekeeper with a large family, and dignity.
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: HEY HOOOO
You: Hola!
You: Do you want curtain dust or baccum, señor?
Stranger: what is baccum? XD
You: Well señor, don't play tonto on me jaja! You know bery well! I guess I do baccuum first.
Stranger: what the hell man XD you are freakin' me out, senõr.
You: Oh jaja! I'm going start on de baccuum, señor. Do you want taco or arroz con pollo for lunch? My Tia is moving in today if you don't mind dat señor
You: She's pregnant and has dos kids.
You: And her Mami is with her too, bery sick.
You: OH SEñOR WHAT AM I TO DO WID DIS FAMEELEE?! -cries a spanish desperate cry-
Stranger: hahahhaha, you are hilarious señor.
You: MY VIDA IS FALLING APART I DONT KNO WHAT TO DO SEñOR I NEED CONSEJO
Stranger: I can help you
You: Señor, this is no joke, matter bery serious.
You: Dis is my life. I might be chicana but I got pride.
You: AND I AINT STANDIN NO GRINGO LAFFIN AT ME
You: GOODBAI SEñOR
You: I QUIT
You have disconnected.
January 30, 2010, 4:06pm
Motifa: a white girl brought up in an african american family who wishes to bring the joy of the ghetto to all.
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: Hey! I'm Motifa!
Stranger: hi i'm shelby
You: Oh hi Shelby! I like to eat loads of fried chicken with my friends and family!
Stranger: Hi Motifa i like to eat loads of potato chips with my family
You: Oh well aren't we similar! I bet you would like the new Ludicrous record! That "shit" be "banging"!
Stranger: yey i do
You: Oh my God! We should get together and stomp that mofriggin' yard!
Stranger: ok
Stranger: are you bi or lesbo
You: Oh, I'm black.
Stranger: okay thats good
You: It is a blessing from the Lawd!
You: Well, anyways, my Baby Daddy has just brought over five watermelons for us to share! It was a pleasure meeting you Shelby.
